The easiest and most blissful thing for me has always been to be alone and to be on the move, always with some great adventure or destination in view, even if it was just dreaming. For the first time since I can remember, I have no plane tickets purchased, no trips planned.
I am more scared than I was getting on a nameless bus full of chickens in Costa Rica. I am more terrified than I was when I got on the first of three planes to Cambodia, completely alone and with nothing to turn back to. This time I'm not running anywhere. Not because I know this is where I want to be, but because I have no idea where to go, who I want to go with, or what I want to do.
My friend, 10,000 miles away, as always, has the best advice. He tells me that when he was in high school he had no idea what he wanted to do or who he wanted to be. So he says he started small. All he wanted to do then was smoke weed and skateboard, so he did that. Then he came to the point where he didn't want to do that anymore so he found something else. He went to University. He learned to build a banjo and fix bikes and cook mac n cheese from scratch and speak Chinese. Little by little your purpose gets clearer. He still doesn't know exactly what he wants to do, but he's speaking Chinese and Mongolian and teaching kids in China and he's more true to himself than anyone I've ever known.
I want to not fight. I want to learn to draw, knit, make preserves, take an aerial dance class, practice my Spanish, practice my French. I want to have time to read. I want to know what I want and go through with making it happen. I want to know how to forgive.
What do you want?